This Just In
by Barbara Early
Greetings from Hell.
OK, I’m not really in hell, nor do I expect to ever be there. Actually, as I write this blog post, I’m in an overheated medical waiting room where the TVs are all tuned to CNN’s election coverage.
I’ve tried very hard to avoid political posts. I have good friends on both sides of the aisle, and also camped out at various places in the aisle. But as I watched the antics, the name-calling, the impossible promises, and the candidates ranging from deeply flawed to completely laughable (which would be funny except for the thought of one of these making big decisions that will affect us all), I’ve come to a decision.
If you want something done right, do it yourself. So I’d like to announce my candidacy.
What are my qualifications, you ask?
First—and this is the qualification that sets me ahead of the pack—I’m sane. I would bring to the job some hard-earned tact, common sense, and a level head. As a mother and a former teacher, I have leadership skills and am experienced in conflict resolution.
Secondly, as a writer, I am a skilled communicator. This occupation also means I know what it’s like to put in long hours for little money, and then to be raked over the coals by critics. I already have a well-armored hide.
Thirdly, as a cozy writer, I support small-town values, G-rated language, and justice. Unlike law enforcement agencies, as a mystery writer, I have a 100% case solution rate, keeping fictional streets safe. So a vote for me is a vote for justice, morality, sweetness, and decency.
Fourthly, as a multi-published writer, I have managed such “impossible” hurdles as acquiring an agent, and getting a traditional publishing contract. Encouraged by this success, I’d like to try my hand at simpler matters, like the environment and world peace.
Fifthly, as a menopausal woman, I vow to keep the thermostat of the White House appropriately low, and would not spend tax dollars to vacation in warm, exotic locales.
Q. What is your position on guns?
A. As a mystery writer, I’ve steered clear of guns. They’re messy, and frankly, they’re boring. I much prefer a more interesting method, if you’re going to do someone in. Poison is always good. Maybe a nice stabbing or strangulation.
Q. What are your views on the Oxford comma?
A. I fully support the Oxford comma, and would veto any legislation that doesn’t employ it, including any proposed by complete idiots, the Republicans and the Democrats.
Q. What would an Early presidency look like?
A. First, since I’m under contract, I’d need to spend an hour or two every day writing, and might need some time off to finish editing. I could probably keep up with my social media via press conference, so that might be even easier. Or a nice tweet from POTUS reminding you when my book is out. The rest of the day would belong to the people. Well, I might need a craft break in the afternoon. Is there a place in the Oval Office I could put my Cricut?